These movies are sickkkkk

A genre rundown

Many moons ago when I was but a college intern at Indiewire and The Fault In Our Stars was about to hit the big screen, I made a project of watching as many movies about teens dying of cancer as I could, in the hopes of writing something that would situate TFiOS within the genre. That never happened, but I’ve had these movies rattling around in my head for the past almost-decade and it’s time to get them out.

The Fault In Our Stars (2014)

This was supposed to be an Iconic It Movie for the 2010s, and it made enough money and generated enough buzz…but will it be remembered all that fondly? The Youths have turned on “Cancel” Elgort, Shailene Woodley has revealed herself to be not the hippie answer to Jennifer Lawrence, and all those clever moments from the book are less witty and more twee on screen. He pretends to smoke cigarettes? As a metaphor? Good lord.

This movie is notable-ish for being about TWO sick kids instead of just one. Hazel Grace and Augustus both have cancer, though Hazel’s in the thick of sickness and Gus is on the mend. They talk about books and the meaning of life. It’s sentimental. There are a couple moments that pierced my cold dead heart in the theater: Laura Dern (Hazel’s mom) telling her daughter that it’s okay if she needs to “let go” (die), and Gus sobbing because he went on a drive and now his tubes are all screwed up.

Also there’s a scene where they go to the Anne Frank House and Hazel struggles to get up to the Annex with her oxygen tank, then triumphs, and she and Gus are so inspired by the story of another girl who died young but lived forever through the power of the written word that they share their first kiss then and there.

In the Anne Frank House.

I am not an easily offended person but I was fucking pissed!!!!!!!!!!

Rating: 3/10 faulty stars

Keith (2008)

I think only six or so people including myself have seen this movie, which is based on a short novel maybe? It stars Jesse McCartney (yes) as a crabby outcast who gets paired with the girl from My Date With The President’s Daughter in chem class. She’s sporty and smart and nice but her friends are superficial, while Keith is moody and therefore deep. They bicker, bond, and eventually have sex in the bed of his truck. Then she finds out he’s dying and he takes off and she decides to follow him on what is presumably his last adventure.

We don’t see any “sick” stuff in the movie, no hospital visits or fainting, it’s more about how their different circumstances influence their attitudes about life.

I dunno, I thought it was kinda good in a low budget indie way! And it’s rare for the boy to have the cancer.

Rating: truck!

A Walk To Remember (2002)

Based on the novel by The Notebook author Nicholas Sparks, this actually WAS an It Movie of its moment, mostly because Mandy Moore sang a pretty song in a pretty dress. A fairly predictable plot about an angelic nerd with cancer and the mean jock she’s in the school play with. She tells him “don’t fall in love with me” at the beginning of their friendship, but they do, and then she dies. Before she goes, he helps her cross items off her bucket list, including getting married (they’re 17) in the church where her dad is a minister.

It’s Christian as fuck. A friend who grew up pretty religious told me that among her Sunday School crowd, protagonist Jamie was considered “the perfect church girl” and everyone wanted to be just like her. Because she’s Not Like Other (Immodest) Girls, but also Beautiful! Does she die so that he can become a better person? Pretty much! I don’t want to be too mean since apparently this story was inspired by Sparks’ real-life cancer-stricken sister (just as The Notebook is apparently based on his grandparents). I guess my point is that The Notebook made me cry and this did not.

Rating: quality 5, nostalgia 11

Here On Earth (2000)

I would call this a rip-off of A Walk To Remember except that it came out two years prior, and the Sparks novel actually takes place in the 50s. Anyway!

Rich boy Kelvin (not Kevin) and townie Jasper have a street race and crash into the local diner, owned by Jasper’s girlfriend Samantha’s family. A judge orders them to spend the summer rebuilding the place, and as they all get to know each other, Kelvin falls for Samantha, and she for him. Kelvin’s dad wants him to give up the girl and go get hazed at Princeton, but the real twist is that Samantha’s knee cancer (knee cancer!) has returned and spread. In his review, Roger Ebert said Samantha had “Ali MacGraw Disease,” which means you get prettier as you get closer to death. Correct. Kelvin learns to be a good person and Samantha dies but it’s okay because she found heaven here on Earth and who needs a future anyway? I cannot stress enough to you how OK she is with dying at seventeen.

It’s less explicitly Jesus-y than A Walk To Remember, and Kelvin and Samantha have sex instead of getting married, but it doesn’t have any musical numbers. But it does have a Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey duet on the soundtrack.

Rating: 1 “Chris Klein can act!” 2 “whatever happened to LeeLee Sobieski”s and 6 “oh, look, it’s Josh Hartnett”s.

My Sister’s Keeper (2009)

The Jodi Picoult novel this movie is based on hit shelves when I was in middle school, and it was perfect for my too-sophisticated-for-YA, too-young-for-actual-literature brain. (Same with The Da Vinci Code.) After hearing about the book from classmates, I picked up a copy and sat in the big white leather armchair we had and did not get up until I had finished the whole thing. That was how I spent my day that day.

The premise is pretty juicy. Anna Fitzgerald, our thirteen-year-old narrator, was born because her older sister, Kate, has Leukemia and their parents heard that “cord blood” from another child would help Kate live longer. They’ve extracted Anna’s bone marrow throughout her life (or something like that) and are now expecting her to give up a kidney. Anna sues them for “medical emancipation” and some soap-y stuff happens and there’s a twist and then a shocking ending which I won’t give away in case you want to read it on your next long flight.

Apparently it’s in the top ten most challenged (AKA attempted to be banned) books in schools and libraries due to its “mature themes.” Crazy!

The movie, uh, changes the ending, which kind of ruins the whole thing? I’ve said what I’ve said re: spoilers, but in this case I’m gonna keep my mouth shut. Suffice it to say…(spoiler here).

Rating: 1 sister kept, 1 sister freed.

Me And Earl And The Dying Girl (2015)

As this came out after The Fault In Our Stars, it was not viewed with any critical analysis in mind and I barely remember it. From the poster it looks pretty Manic Pixie Cancer Patient, but maybe I’m wrong. I think it’s about friendship instead of romance, so that’s cool.

Rating: I like Olivia Cooke!

Love Story (1970)

Technically not on theme as the characters are adults by the time Olivia-who-thinks-love-means-never-having-to-say-you’re-sorry-which-by-the-way-isn’t-true is diagnosed, but seriously, what the fuck is this movie? HE DOESN’T TELL HIS FUCKING WIFE SHE HAS CANCER???? And she is FINE WITH THIS???????

Love Story is a horror movie about what happens when your husband has power of attorney.

Rating: we should abolish the institution of marriage.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)

While her best friends leave town for the summer, teenage Tibby is stuck working at a clothing store and making movies and being bored. She meets a preteen named Bailey who takes a shine to her, and while Tibby is at first annoyed by the girl “helping” with her movies, they eventually become friends. Sadly, Bailey is dying of Leukemia. When Bailey is in the hospital, Tibby takes the magic Pants (there are magic Pants, don’t worry about it) to her in the hopes that they might cure or help her. But Bailey refuses to put them on, saying they already worked their magic by bringing her and Tibby together. Then Bailey dies.

What is with all these kids opting for death? Not wanting to go through chemo again if it’s not gonna work I can understand, but Bailey won’t even TRY ON SOME JEANS? I guess it’s too sad to watch a movie about a young person who is trying to stay alive and can’t, but geez. Do not go gentle in that good night!

The thing about this movie (and the book) is that while Tibby warms up to Bailey, I never did, and found her annoying until the end.

Rating: 2/3 Pants

Honorable Mentions

(Either they don’t quite fit the theme, I haven’t seen them, or both)

Five Feet Apart (2019): I think Gen Z is pretty into this Netflix drama about two cystic fibrosis patients who have to stay five feet apart so they don’t double-infect each other, and it was a popular point of reference during the “six feet apart” era of the pandemic. I have not seen it.

The Book Of Henry (2017): I will take any excuse to link to Dave Holmes’s review which I read like once a year and laugh at every time. This movie is also notable for being so bad they took Star Wars away from Colin Trevorrow.

Now Is Good (2012): Tessa (Dakota Fanning; have you noticed all these girls are blonde?) is dying but she has a bucket list to complete before that happens, and points for realism because that list includes sex and drugs, which I think are more likely must-dos for teen Also points for realism because her family is having trouble coping. Is this too sad or should I watch it? Directed by the guy who directed Mamma Mia!

Life As A House (2001): The dad has cancer, but what’s important is that Hayden Christensen jizzes on Jena Malone in the shower, and that moment really imprinted on my mind when I first saw it.

Dying Young (1991): Notable because even though the lovers have reached the ripe old age of almost-30, cancer-stricken Victor decides that Julia Roberts’ love is actually a good reason to continue treatment, not a sign that he has experienced all life has to offer and he should just float peacefully out to sea. Directed by Joel Schumacher.

Me Before You (2016): Based on the best-selling novel, this movie isn’t about cancer but paralyzation, and caused a bit of controversy because SPOILER William, who can basically only move his face, decides to die by assisted suicide, and some people thought the message of the movie was that a disabled life is not worth living. It’s implied that he is also in ongoing pain, and he does get really sick, really quickly, so I think if the filmmakers emphasized that his decision is “guy suffering and unlikely to live long goes out on his own terms” rather than “what’s the point of doing anything from a wheelchair unless you’re literally Stephen Hawking,” they could have avoided some of the backlash, but I’m not deep into that convo. Anyway, Emilia Clarke becomes William’s caretaker/companion and even though she is so clumsy and quirky they fall in love, and she’s like “you are sooooo rich, let’s just spend the rest of your life going on vacation with your hot man nurse,” but he still wants to die, and he leaves her a chunk of money so she can see the world without him.

I… love this movie? It scratches a particular sad-wish-fulfillment itch and offers just enough catharsis to lift your spirits on a bad day but isn’t actually depressing because it’s not good enough to be depressing.

Restless (2011): Here’s what IMDb says: “The story of a terminally ill teenage girl who falls for a boy who likes to attend funerals and their encounters with the ghost of a Japanese kamikaze pilot from WWII.” Directed by Gus van Sant. Why had I not heard of this before?

Brian’s Song (1970): I’ve never seen this movie but I feel like it gets referenced a lot. From what I can tell, it’s Remember The Titans but about professionals. Neat.

Autumn in New York (2000): Winona Ryder is a sensitive artist dying of a heart condition who spends her final months teaching upper crust bachelor Richard Gere to let people in. Then she dies, beautifully. It is Fall.

Sweet November (2001): Charlize Theron is a free spirit dying of cancer who spends one of her final months teaching ad exec Keanu Reeves how to love life. Though he offers to care for her as she passes on, she says she only wants him to have happy memories of her (how generous!) and doesn’t want to hurt him (this must be so hard for him! The healthy one!) so she makes them break up. It is Fall.

Things I Got From Brands This Week:

• a hair wave thing

Don’t smoke!

Lizzie