New Rules! It’s Dua Lipa’s breakout hit:
New Rule[s]! It’s Bill Maher’s signature segment:
[not linking because Bill Maher is just a contrarian toe]
In February, New York Mag’s The Cut published a long list of etiquette…tips? Behavior recommendations? Whatever the opposite of a faux pas is? It should have been a virality coup: solicit witty must-do’s ranging from the banal to the obvious to the particular, inciting discussion and rage-dunking. Hundreds of clickbait opportunities. But the editor must have been napping because the article was kind of a flop. Like half the entries are tips for talking to famous people, which is not only an issue very few people face, it’s also not that hard to navigate! Famous people are used to all kinds of behavior, so, really, unless you’re a total tool, you’re probably fine. Read it if you want but it’s not as fun as it should or could be.
It did, however, give me the idea to publish my own list, because I have a lot of opinions on how people should and should not behave, and I’m right about all of them! And in the spirit of the Cut flop, half of these aren’t so much rules as they are…notions. Anyway. DO AS I SAY!!!!
32 Credos To Live n Die By:
Pimple patches are not for social occasions.
Pimple patches are one of the few skincare products that you can actually see work (more on that later), so I understand the impulse to wear them not just at night but whenever the need arises. After all, they are unobtrusive and sometimes borderline invisible. At the gym or grocery store or around the house, go ahead and rock them. But if we are out to lunch, or you’re at my house, please, can you not? You can’t see it and I can, which is unfair. It’s distracting! I can’t help but focus on that little sticker slowly filling up with your face goo.
Spoilers: be reasonable.
As I’ve previously written, spoiler culture is a bit misguided. So let’s all just do our best not to blurt out “what a tragic ending!” when someone mentions the book they just started. But also, if someone does that to you, don’t be a baby.
You don’t have to capitalize the “i” in “internet.”
Shocked me, too! I got this note at work. Apparently the AP updated their style guide. What a world.
Fellas, just take a pic.
If your girlfriend wants to get a pic, take the pic. Of her, with her, whatever. Someday this woman will ask you for something — a house, a child, a divorce — that you won’t want or easily be able to give her, and you’ll wish you’d done the quick and easy (and free!) point-earning stuff like taking a picture when you had the chance. The same principle applies to dancing with her at weddings.
The big car moves to the side.
Now, this is a controversial one because it doesn’t exactly make sense. If a big car and a little car are driving toward one another on a narrow road, the logical thing to do is for the little car to move to the side or even pull over, because the little car can fit in tighter spots and create more room. But it’s the big car’s fault that we’re all so squeezed! Why do you need or have such a big car driving on these little roads? Anyway. Just for fairness I think the big car should move.
Be a giver of rides.
Speaking of cars, if it’s not completely out of your way, give someone a ride home so they don’t have to take an Uber. Because it’s nice.
Offer a bite.
In the spirit of sharing, share food. I want a bite of your food and no I don’t think it’s weird or gross or childish to share food. Give me some of your food.
You get 1 (ONE) anniversary.
I feel very strongly about this one because quite frankly, my Instagram is clogged up with posts that contain no new information or pictures I haven’t seen some version of before. You get ONE anniversary! When you’ve been dating for six months or a year or whatever, go ahead and post. When you’ve been married for that long, go ahead and post again. But then…that’s your anniversary. Your one anniversary. I don’t want to see a married couple posting about the day they met and the day they started dating and the day of their wedding— stop! You get ONE anniversary!!!!
Leash your dog.
And I don’t mean slip the handle around your wrist and then let your dog do whatever within the six foot radius the leash allows. I mean actually stop your dog from sticking its nose in my crotch when I encounter him or her in public. And to be clear, I like dogs. Quite a lot, actually. A well-behaved, leash dog sitting patiently at its person’s feet? I will calmly approach the hell out of that pup and, with your permission, give him or her approximately one thousand belly scratches. A dog not on a leash I’ll just assume is lost.
That dog should not be a pug.
Pugs are very cute but they are also abominations and shouldn’t exist.
Or a French bulldog.
Girls can go in the boys’ room.
Gender politics aside (more on that later), we as a society need to recognize that if there is a 10 minute wait for the ladies’ room and none for the gentlemen’s, girls can go in the boys room. This was an issue at the Taylor Swift concert.
https://slate.com/culture/2023/06/taylor-swift-eras-tour-mens-bathrooms.html
Don’t call it “San Fran”
We all know “Frisco” isn’t OK but somehow “San Fran” is coming back and NO.
Don’t FaceTime in a restaurant.
Don’t.
At the airport, pretend you’ve been somewhere.
“Do I have to throw out my water bottle if it’s unopened? If it’s Evian? If it’s been blessed by the Pope?” The TSA rules have changed very little in the two decades since 9/11, so take your belt and shoes off and act like a person.
Dating app woes are as (un)interesting as your dream last night.
Possibly the best entry in the aforementioned Cut article is one advising happily partnered people not to be “loudly naive” about dating apps, going “oh, which way do you swipe? What’s a Tinder again?” It’s obnoxious, obviously fake and pretty condescending. I’ll add to that: fellow singletons, in return, let us not pretend we aren’t on these apps of our own volition, only spending exactly as much time as we want to on them. Someone unmatched you because you didn’t reply quickly enough? WELL KNOCK ME OVER WITH A FEATHER, WHAT A TALE! Quick, reboot Girls, we HAVE to do an episode about the guy who BEGGED for a drink and then WAS BORING!!!!!! Dating apps and the dates that result from them are often dull and annoying, and so are the resultant stories.
Skincare is fake
Moisturizer, cleanser, SPF and pimple patches do something, but serums and oils and other elixirs? I’m begging you to read Jessica DeFino’s newsletter.
Diet stuff is also fake.
Maintenance Phase Is The Bible.
You don’t have to write every day.
I don’t know where the “writers write every day” motto came from and I don’t care to find out because it’s bullshit. Like the reader’s gonna know you took a break between chapters seven and eight.
Get over the primaries.
I. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. Any. More. About. Bernie’s. Plan. For. Student. Debt. Or. Elizabeth. Warren’s. Heritage. Neither. Of. These. People. Are. Ever. Going. To. Be. President. And. As. They. Say: move on dot org!
Cats don’t hate you; they are indifferent to you.
One (legitimate) reason people sometimes dislike cats is that they tend to keep their motivations to themselves. But believe me, cats are not conspiring against you, in particular. They are probably indifferent to you, or your behavior pisses them off. You’re bad with cats. I’m so sorry! The good news is you can work on it.
Honk when you drive by the strike!
Toot toot. Beep beep.
Slide into a girl’s DMs no fewer than three, no more than ten, times before asking her out.
Don’t be aggro, don’t be a penpal. Establish your vibe, make your intentions know, then it’s up to her!
Your emoji’s skin color should match your own.
People mostly know this already but in case you didn’t.
Respect people’s pronouns!
You don’t need to understand something to follow a simple direction. In fact, you don’t even need to question these directions. I know, I know, think for yourself, but also? If someone says they use they/them, who gives a shit why or what’s between their legs? You see someone unusual in the bathroom? None of your business what they’re doing there! It’s fiiiiiiine. It’s like how we don’t say slurs even though we are singing along to songs that have those slurs in them. Do I need to know the whole history or can I just go along with it because I want to be a good person? It’s not hard.
No half-gossip.
Either spill or don’t. Don’t say you heard from AN UNNAMED CELEB FRIEND that the next Fast & Furious movie will be a musical. I’d like the complete story, please. I am a journalist.
Just because a teenager on TikTok says it doesn’t mean it’s a thing.
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in the reporting of disturbing trends. A teenager will make a TikTok about how everyone in their generation hates washing their hands, and it’ll attract thousands of likes and comments, many from other users agreeing that they never wash their hands. Three nearly identical TikToks appear and go twice as viral, and suddenly Business Insider is quoting the health department on the appalling rise in youth dirtiness.
Except.
Teens lie online for clout. Teens lie online for fun. Teens lie online out of boredom, and they don’t provide a lot of context or nuance for their statements, because their brains haven’t finished developing. Let them live in their own little world of fake trends and crazy habits. Don’t believe everything they say!
Eat the last piece.
Many parents raise their children to be courteous and generous and never take the last slice of pie or whatever. And that’s great. But it’s even better to offer it to the other person and, if they don’t want it, eat it. Letting a delicious piece of pie rot isn’t “manners.”
Don’t film strangers (even if they’re famous).
No, what you do is, you pretend to take a picture of your friend (or a selfie if you’re alone), but you actually snap a pic of the person you want a pic of behind them. Subtle. Classy. No need to record.
Dip not drizzle.
This is referring to ketchup, obviously, which should be squirted into a pool so you can dip your fries. Drizzling your ketchup all over your fries leads to soggy fries and ketchup-covered fingers. I can’t believe I have to explain this. Who raised you people?
Don’t look at leaked nudes.
Should be obvious, but being intensely curious about what a starlet looks like under her clothes is natural, and resisting that urge is what makes us civilized.
Your watch is not in charge of you.
Absolutely do not get up and walk around while we are having a sit-down conversation because your phone said you’d been sedentary too long. Use like one ounce of common sense. That’s not how bodies work. You can walk later.
It doesn’t matter how you sign an email.
Best? Sincerely? Warmly? It doesn’t matter, no one’s paying attention.
It doesn’t matter how I sign off,
Lizzie
Bill Marginal should just let you take over this segment. You nailed it.