i think about this a lot: celeb posts edition
to err is human. to post, divine.
I think sometimes we post online to mimic the experience of being a celebrity or public figure. To be somewhat known, even under an assumed name, by strangers. To have people listen to what we say. To participate in a public discussion. Which is why it’s so fascinating when actual celebrities choose to post. Why do they do it? What do they get out of it? Sometimes it makes sense: politicians and activists, sure, get the message out; Artists who post their art, singers who upload songs, dancers and comedians and the like, go ahead, share away. But then there are actual, successful celebrities — who can share their thoughts in interviews and their art in movies and shows — who post, and it’s sometimes so revealing a peek at their psyche that I am almost uncomfortable, the way you would blush walking in on someone using the toilet.
Some of these are well-known, like Gina Rodriguez accidentally becoming a meme when, instead of politely ignoring a fan asking her for tuition help, she told them to “research, mama.” Dean Norris tweeting “sex gifs” (one assumes he was searching for them) is another memorable occasion. And to his credit, Kevin Smith wrote that his wife’s “clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick” as a joke.
Some are medium-known, like Halsey’s weird history on Tumblr, Emily Ratajkowski holding her baby like a purse or Chris Pratt (who, for the record, I don’t think has a sinister bone in his body and is just fully A Clueless Church Boi) constantly putting his foot in his mouth when trying to compliment his wife.
But some are seemingly famous Only To Me, and I’d like to share them with you now.
Brie Larson Simply Had To Dance
Brie Larson is a big ol weirdo online. Girl cannot post a normal thing to save her life. She’s either trying too hard to be quirky or being genuinely random. It’s not quite “cringe” because she always seems to be enjoying herself in a way that doesn’t ask the viewer to think she’s cool, but it’s still just a little embarrassing because, as Gawker aptly pointed out, her online activity really makes it seem like she doesn’t have many friends (the Gawker archives are currently down, but here’s proof it was once a subject). Brie if you’re reading this, I will be your friend!
The Oscar winner reached new heights of endearing-confusing when she published a mini-personal essay about hearing a voice in the night that told her to dance and training all day every day for six months so that she could dance better. Check it out:
The strangest part of this, in my opinion, is that she didn’t post…a single video of herself dancing? And I understand that it’s about her journey to dance, not the finished product, but she also didn’t share a clip of herself stretching or working out. Nothing but still images from which we can intuit that she is dancing, or perhaps warming up. Why not publish this missive alongside a simple mirror selfie at the barre, if you’re not going to show us the results of all your hard work?
Which is NOT to say that Larson’s Instagram is devoid of dance. OH NO. She did give us this clip of her shimmying around her living room in a White Swan outfit…to the sounds of The Nutcracker (a different ballet but who cares), while some guy on the couch looks COMPLETELY uninterested…and by the way, this was uploaded a full month after Christmas.
Chris Gethard Overcompensating
A quick explainer for those unfamiliar with TCGS lore: Chris Gethard is a feelings-y alt comedy guy who for a few years had a New York public access show where he did…I dunno, bits? It had kind of a cult following and, like many UCB offshoots, was very important to some of the people who participated in it. Which, you know, fine! Not hurting anyone. But a subset of those people seemed to confuse “important to me” with “important to the world” and took it really seriously, or at least, that’s what I gleaned from this post, which is one of the more hysterical bits of unintentional satire ever penned by a comedy person. In a lengthy Tumblr monologue, Gethard explains why he allowed his show to be turned into a Comedy Central pilot (which ended up not getting picked up anyway) (and…why would that need an explanation?), and part of his reasoning is…he’s doing it on behalf of the Ramones.
In the post, Gethard (who I really have no problem with and often enjoy as an actor) acknowledges that he is being melodramatic, but he also lists “Andy Kaufman” as an inspiration before getting around to his mom. Anyway, read it and decide for yourself if I’m a jaded bitch for rolling my eyes.
Salma Hayek’s Instagram Bio
This is Salma Hayek’s Instagram bio, and has been for at least a few years. I love it!
Mindy Earns 5/8
Mindy Kaling has long had a somewhat baffling Instagram presence. Despite being a charming, funny, super successful person, she used her online platform to promote C-tier snack foods and do random amateur photo shoots in her backyard. She’s been doing less of both since the pandemic/becoming a mom, but one since-deleted post still lives, as the kids say, rent free in my mind.
On December 14, 2020, Kaling shared the following picture and wrote in the caption, “Happy Hanukkah night 5! *All candles lit for dramatic effect” (source).
This is insane.
I don’t think I can quite communicate the extent to which this is just…insane.
As many have pointed out, Mindy has a ton of Jewish friends, and for some reason, she has a menorah (apparently), so she knows that this is not correct. And if you go through the trouble of setting up this photo, which presumably someone else took, why not just save it for three more days? You can’t wait 72 hours? Lighting the candles to mark the night is like, the thing you do with the menorah candles, so to put it in Christmas terms, it’s posting an advent calendar that has been completely opened on December 16th and going “nine days til Christmas!” The device you use for keeping track of time…you’re using it wrong.
But also, there is no Christmas version of this (I’ve thought about it a lot). The best comparison I can draw to illustrate why this is…well, not offensive but totally bananas…it’s a little like putting glitter in the baptismal font, or wearing a glow-in-the-dark hijab, or attending a Diwali celebration with a Bindi between your eyebrows, and also a couple on your sternum. It’s not as inappropriate as wearing a Native American feathered headdress to Coachella, but it’s way above putting celebrities in your nativity scene. A menorah isn’t a decoration, we do blessings over that shit.
Ah, but #aesthetic!!!!
Nicole Kidman posing like this
Nicole!
Gigi Hadid’s Eyesore Apartment
Gigi Hadid designed her own apartment and it shows. This was back in 2020 when she was with Zayn Malik so I’m not even sure she lives in this place anymore, but at the time she showed off her ~ decor~ it garnered reactions from Vogue being like “this is quirky!” to BuzzFeed being like “oh…that’s interesting” to everyone else roasting it. The pasta cabinets! But then people moved on.
I DID NOT MOVE ON.
I STILL THINK ABOUT HER APARTMENT ALL THE TIME AND IT HAUNTS ME.
I like Gigi Hadid, she seems sweet and humble, but whoever gave her a stack of New Yorker covers and a staple gun and set her loose on her bathroom must be stopped.
Vin Diesel posting fan art of himself
To be fair, I have done this
Lizzie