While My Lightsaber Gently Weeps
Andor and Grey's and DC, oh my!
You’re here! I’m here! Look at us. It’s my second post. If you missed the first one, here it is.
I think I’m going to write a little ~media criticism/analysis~ every week. This week’s topic is the Star Wars spinoff Rogue One spinoff Andor, and why I fucking hate it.
But before we get to that, an apology.
Last week, I wrote that I had never loved a short film and didn’t cotton to the form at all. I was being a bit facetious. I liked “Some Boys Don’t Leave” and I was moved by the original “Short Term 12.” Watching Shiva Baby, I thought, “you can see the seams where they stretched it from short to feature.” So yes, I respect shorts (though I don’t respect Taylor’s frankly embarrassing Oscar campaign).
But do I love them? I love one, and only one.
I love you, Funnel.
ANDOR: NO
Being a Star Wars fan means accepting — even embracing — that some Star Wars is bad. I’ve learned to love the prequels, and while Episode 9 is a disappointing mess, its existence doesn’t dampen my enthusiasm for the better installments. Solo was truly offensive, but everyone agreed it was terrible, so it became a point of camaraderie. To love Star Wars is to hate Solo.
And now there’s Andor. Andor is bad and I hate it. Yet people — serious, thoughtful people — are saying it’s one of the best shows of the year. Even reviewers who call it boring and slow (which it is) give it credit for its serious tone and themes about the perils of bureaucracy, or something. They are wrong.
In case you’re unfamiliar, Andor is a prequel to Rogue One, which is a prequel to A New Hope. Rogue One is a love-it-or-hate-it installment in the canon; I firmly believe it didn’t need to happen. It exists just to retcon the fact that the Death Star is a little too easy to blow up, which is a bad reason to make a movie. The more you try to explain a fictional universe, the more the illogic shows. e.g., the Harry Potter world is far too sophisticated for how few wizarding families there are. But who cares? Silly thing to focus on. Fan service for Wookiepedia editors.
The boring/annoying heroine, Jyn Erso, doesn’t drive or really influence the events of the film. By the time she shows up, the Rebellion already has its plan in place, and then she helps. Kinda. That plan is to send an email. Rogue One is an entire movie about sending an email, and it takes itself very, very seriously.
Still, there are elements in Rogue One that are fun: the droid voiced by Alan Tudyk and the gay-coded monk besties. “I am one with The Force; The Force is with me,” great!
So, my expectations were not high for Andor. I was willing to concede that like Rogue One, it might just not be “for me,” which is fine, because there’s plenty of other Star Wars stuff that is, and like I said, you take the bad with the good.
I was gonna let it go.
And then I spent a week watching Star Wars documentaries (I am very cool) and remembered how mythic the original trilogy was and I got pissed about Andor all over again, so here we are. I’ll try to stay as analytical as possible and not let my emotions lead me to the Dark Side.
Why Andor doesn’t work.
There are elements from the original trilogy that have carried over and generally make Star Wars, Star Wars. I’ve broken them up into handy categories:
Filmmaking
-Wipe effects
-John Williams score (or new work in similar vein)
-“A long time ago…” and opening scroll
-Warwick Davis
Sci-Fi
-Droids with lots of personality
-Aliens who have their own way of speaking (“meesa jar jar binks,” “yoda, my name is,” etc)
-The Force, Jedi, lightsabers
-Jump to light speed
Story
-POV character kids can relate to
-Test of wills
-Dying in someone’s arms
-Taking an awkward elevator ride
Themes
-Hope
-Friendship
-Love vs Duty
-Sacrifice
-Parent/child and mentor/mentee relationships
Feel free to add anything else you love about Star Wars to these lists, then go back and check off how many of the items your favorite piece of Star Wars media includes. Fun game, right? I’ve had sex.
I’m not saying a particular work has to have all or even most of these elements to “qualify” as Star Wars. But without them, stories just don’t *feel* like Star Wars.
The Mandalorian’s protagonist had a Jedi-esque set of principles, tested by caring for a Force-sensitive alien baby. “We have spoken,” “this is the way.” The Book of Boba Fett expanded on The Mandalorian and followed a fan-favorite from the original trilogy, also building on lore from the prequels. Kenobi made a lot of choices I didn’t like and wasn’t, uh, well made, but it had a baby with attitude, lightsabers, emotional arcs, clear wins and losses, Jimmy Smits, a villain who survived Order 66, you get it, we accept it.
What from the lists does Andor have? And what else does Andor bring to the table? It’s grim and scary and violent. Our morally grey antihero murders two people in the first episode, then pops into a brothel to ask about his missing sister. We flash back to terrified children, meet a dull couple who get Star Wars’ first quasi sex scene (bringing to it all the passion of a nurse calling to say gramps died), and the episodes just kind of end. The characters aren’t inspiring in their heroism or delightful in their villainy, and the actors seem to have been instructed to play exactly one note each. Most of the scenes are meetings. Everyone at the Empire walks around tapping on iPads. It’s like they had a sign up in the writers room saying not to get too creative, lest the show be labeled “cringe” or “like it had any affection for the source material.”
The only explanation for its glowing reception I can come up with is that viewers have been prestige-pilled, brainwashed to believe that bleak = quality and moral ambiguity = interesting, all while having their expectations steadily lowered by Kevin Feige, so that when they see a Star War without the kid stuff (AKA the FUN stuff), they think the franchise has outgrown what held it back instead of abandoned what made it good.
Let’s take the line everyone’s been meme-ing around since the finale, the one Gizmodo thought was so profound: “I burn my life to make a sunrise I know I'll never see.”
Um. ‘K. Big “what is grief if not love persevering” vibes.
It’s a cute line. But it’s not Star Wars. Star Wars is “I love you/ I know,” “do or do not; there is no try” and, for better or worse, “I hate sand.” It’s “may the force be with you.” Simple, direct, powerful. It’s not talking in metaphors (the whole saga is already a metaphor, we’re good on metaphor!). If you wanna do an adult crime drama in space, just do an adult crime drama in space and leave the Lucas legacy out of it.
To paraphrase Queen Amidala: I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee. If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a 'vote of no confidence'...in Tony Gilroy’s leadership.
THIS SHOOK ME TO MY CORE
You’re not supposed to broadcast your every waking thought to the largest audience possible? Couldn’t be me!
DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA
What got Twitter riled up this week? For once, not a list of movie. It was the final (?) chapter in the Grey’s Anatomy Grifter Saga.
I won’t spoil the details, but the premise is: successful TV writer lies to Shonda Rhimes, family, friends, co-workers about having cancer and other personal tragedies. (too much tuna voice: it’s too much trauma!)
If you want to read the relevant deep-dives, here they are in order (TW: emotional manipulation, allegations of abuse, fake suicide, real suicide):
Former co-worker(s) coming through with RECEIPTS
If this story makes you want more, check out The Epic Fake Military Vet thread, then throw it back to Riley Weston (who did nothing wrong! Hollywood ageism!).
GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT DC
Warner Brothers canned the already-shot Batgirl movie and DC canceled the third Wonder Woman, but Ezra Miller being a menace to society matters so little that the powers that be moved The Flash up a week. Audiences are clamoring for More Speed Force! Oh, and Black Adam definitely didn’t lose money, why would anyone say it lost money, it didn’t lose money stop saying that.
Sensing a pattern?
It would be simplistic to blame this on sexism… but I do! Critics and audiences hated WW84 — fair, though it’s still a more interesting mess than Zack Snyder’s various offerings. But in a Covid-less world, I’m not certain it wouldn’t have made money. And a well-marketed third installment could totally do well. (The first has the highest Rotten Tomatoes score of the post-Nolan DCEU.) Suicide Squad was roundly panned and got a sequel (called, brilliantly, The Suicide Squad), and Wonder Woman has…well…this!
Thank God we’re getting a Joker musical!
Moving on. Let’s assume Batgirl was a steaming pile that would have required lengthy reshoots to salvage. It’s not like there’s precedent for Warner Brothers paying between 40 and 70 million to fix a movie that had already come out. To appease a fanbase that was mostly bots.
At least young girls can look up to…Zoë Kravitz as a no-personality Catwoman who doesn’t even dress like a cat in that dark mob flick they shouldn’t watch?
Oh right, I forgot about Harley Quinn and her band of merry…whatever the Birds of Prey were.
Feminism over, wrap it up, we did it ladies! (Margot Robbie INNOCENT)
[As this issue was going to print, James Gunn took to Twitter to say “stop yelling at me, fanboys,” a strategy that has always worked, so I guess technically WW isn’t dead yet?] (Also, remember when he was married to Pam from The Office?)
RECOMMENDATIONS
This Comedy Special (can’t find the full thing)
This Naturalish Deodorant That Smells Really Good
I’m hoping this newsletter won’t always be me recapping entertainment news, but you’re supposed to write what you know and I don’t know anything else…
At least I’m not spitting out takes on Meghan and Harry or the Wicked cast! Saving that for the group chat. I only eat food from Trader Joe’s; it’s a modest life, but it’s mine.
Hasta la pasta,
LL
this is the first thing I've read about Andor that I fully agree with! thanks