Where Is Male Responsibility In On-Screen Abortions?
This is not a political diatribe (mostly)
To keep the mood light I’m gonna scatter some fun images throughout…
This is NOT a political diatribe.
Until it is :)
In August 2020, I observed on Twitter that there was a burgeoning, and concerning, “abortion road trip” movie genre. We don’t need to rehash what happened next politically.
Here’s an article about the phenomenon if you’re interested.
Since then, more movies have been added to the canon. They almost all center white teens, which is worthy of discussion but not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about the companions. Let’s do a quick rundown of abortion in recent films:
Nymphomaniac (2013): Joe performs at at-home abortion on herself using her med school knowledge.
Grandma (2015): Sage and her grandmother Ellie drive to LA for Sage’s abortion.
Little Woods (2018): Ollie and her estranged sister Deb sneak across the US/Canada border so Deb can have an abortion.
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019): Marianne and Héloïse take Sophie to a local healer for an abortion.
Never Rarely Sometimes Always (2020): Autumn and her cousin Skylar take a train to New York City for Autumn’s abortion.
Unpregnant (2020): Veronica and her ex-BFF Bailey drive to New Mexico for Veronica’s abortion.
Plan B (2021): Sunny and her BFF Lupe drive across South Dakota to get the morning-after pill.
Happening (2021): In France in 1963, Anne asks a classmate to help her find a kitchen table abortionist; he gives her a phone number.
Notice anything missing?
Anyone conspicuously absent?
WHERE THE HELL ARE THE GUYS WHO KNOCKED THESE WOMEN UP?
(It’s not only women who get abortions, and it’s not only men who impregnate them, but that’s what’s shown by Hollywood so that’s the circumstance I’m dissecting.) In search of even one example of a man taking an active role in procuring an abortion for his sexual partner, I turned to TV, reviewing exhaustive lists of abortion episodes. And it’s entirely possible that this totally exists and one got missed, but listen… I didn’t find any.
I did find two examples of men taking women who are pregnant by a different man to get an abortion (Please Like Me, GLOW), showing that they are Good and Helpful and oh my god, imagine how devoted this man must be to this woman to clean up another guy’s mess! Whatever, I have no problem with this.
In the vast majority of these TV narratives, the Man Who Done Did It is either A) out of the picture before she discovers she’s pregnant, B) never told about the procedure / only told after it’s done, C) iffy on the idea and therefore not the person the woman trusts the most (she usually gets a friend to take her to the clinic) or D) her loving partner who is supportive but never explicitly shown helping her on the day.
Dramaturgically, I get it. Writers want The Decision to be the woman’s, but also lay groundwork for potential conflict, so they leave it a secret the man can learn later. And if he’s out of the picture and she’d have to be a single mom, she’s all the more sympathetic. But there’s a limit to how interesting this is. In Halt and Catch Fire, Donna doesn’t even tell her husband, and the payoff is…she and Cameron bond in the car? Again I say, whatever. Scenarios A and B at ignore men to center the woman. Fine!
Let’s look at C: man is iffy. You can actually find multiple examples of men who seemingly care more about the zygote than they do about the woman carrying it, to the point that they change her mind. On Friday Night Lights, Jason gets a girl pregnant during a one night stand, then becomes paralyzed. Since this might be his only chance to have a baby, he convinces this chick he’s not even in a relationship with to keep it. On Dawson’s Creek, Dawson talks his mother out of an abortion. His mother.
In other cases, the guy also gives a fuck about the woman, and abortion wins the day. On Grey’s Anatomy, Owen wants Christina to have their kid, but eventually comes around to the idea that Christina doesn’t want to be a mom, full stop, and accompanies her to her procedure (since they are doctors who work at a hospital, this is not a terribly inconvenient errand, though of course his support is nice).
Then there are the men who object and…yeah, that’s where they leave it. On Degrassi, Craig wants Manny to carry their child, but Manny puts her foot down and gets that embryo pulled right out. We don’t see Craig get over it.
Examples for circumstance D: loving, helpful partner: On Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Paula is reluctant to have an abortion for ~moral~ reasons, even though she doesn’t want another kid, so her husband, who will support her no matter what, encourages her to talk to a younger, more progressive friend. The next time we see Paula, she’s post-op and being cared for by her family. Nice, if not explicit.
In the remake of Scenes From A Marriage, Oscar Isaac is clearly thrilled at the idea of having another kid with his wife Jessica Chastain, but because her first pregnancy was difficult and complicated, he respects her decision not to continue with it. We see him get her a soda at the doctor’s office, where she takes the pill and then asks him to leave the room (he does) (I guess you could say he did help her on the day, but, like, it’s a soda).
Dramaturgically…listen, you can write whatever kind of story you want, and preachy “here’s how to behave” narratives suck hard. But here’s why, in this case, representing a fuller spectrum of male responses matters!!!!!! Given that the subject is still somewhat taboo (and understandably, for many, private and personal), it’s reasonable to assume that a young man growing up today will have more exposure to abortion stories via media than via his IRL role models. And given all of the above, he will have few if any examples to guide him on how to be truly helpful if he knocks someone up. And I don’t like that.
Just like it takes two people to make an embryo, it should take two people to un-make one. Abortions are harder and harder to come by. Hence the road trips. Like dishwashing and laundry, this is an area where couples can share the load. Would it be so weird to see a man calling a clinic? Driving a woman across state lines? Taking responsibility for something he did?
Splitting the cost is the minimum. And to be perfectly honest, he should pay for the whole thing. She’s the one having the abortion, the least a guy can do is pick up the tab. Damn. Now I’m on a rant. And I just meant to talk about movies!!!
There was a time that if you got a girl pregnant, you were supposed to marry her. I’m very glad we’ve relaxed that standard, but I don’t think the new response should be “whatevs, you don’t have to do anything! It’s her problem!” Maybe if men felt that there would be consequences for unprotected sex for them they’d stop having it so much.
But the most important reason that the burden should be shared is because the benefit is also shared. Every time an unwanted pregnancy is terminated, a man’s life gets significantly easier. No child support, no constraints on his time. I’ve seen a few examples online of men sharing how abortion benefitted them. I’d like to see about a thousand more. And like, one fucking movie!
I think the reason we don’t see more of these admissions, though, is that in the majority of cases, the burden of child-rearing was never going to be equal. Men’s careers are rarely held back by fatherhood. They don’t feel their identities subsumed by their new role. Yes, totally, there are single dads and neglectful moms. I’ve seen Kramer vs. Kramer, you don’t need to tell me. And there are parents who share child-raising duties. But overall, there is a dynamic in our society that expects a woman to drop everything when she has a kid, and it just doesn’t apply to men in the same way. Some of it’s out of their control (hey, postpartum is what it is), but most of it is the patriarchy.
Let’s go back to unpacking fictional male reactions to unplanned pregnancies:
On both Scrubs and The OC, a woman lies to the man who got her pregnant about having had a miscarriage so that she can raise the baby on her own without inconveniencing him. In Alfie and Inside Llewyn Davis, women pretend they got abortions for the same reason. She doesn’t want him to feel responsible! How noble and self-sacrificing and fucking bizarre. Is this the pinnacle of internalized misogyny, or are these ladies gaslighting men about what became of their sperm?
Again, my point here is not to say that these plots are Bad, Never Do Them, but does anyone else think it’s weird I just named four projects where women lie about un-pregnant-ing themselves and I can’t name one where the boyfriend makes the girlfriend a goddamn appointment?
At least Hannah Horvath on Girls gave the guy who fertilized her a head’s up that the baby existed and he didn’t need to do anything about it. She chose to be a single mom and he chose to react maturely to hearing about it and didn’t get mad because, well, if he didn’t want to risk this happening, he is the one in control of his penis, and the show kept going and the world kept turning. Adults being adults about a situation. Imagine that.
Even more laudable is what Ross did on Friends. He was an involved father as his ex-wife raised their son with her new partner, and when Rachel, vulnerable and hormonal during her pregnancy, asked him to drop his entire personal life to support her…he did. He took his role and his responsibility seriously. Role model material.
But Hollywood has never found it difficult to lionize men for stepping up to parenthood. That’s a whole genre: Knocked Up, Fools Rush In, Nine Months, She’s Having A Baby. And the women in these stories get points for stepping up, too! Like, two points. Because being a mom is what women are trained for from birth. Anyooooooo…
I’d like to see a Ross who knows where to get Mifepristone in case they decide to go the other way.
OKAY, FINE, I LIED.
Sorry.
I did find two examples of the thing I was looking for.
Mostly.
In Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), Mike means to give Stacy a ride to the clinic (and some cash), but ends up not being able to, so she gets a lift from her brother, though she’s lying about where he’s taking her.
In Obvious Child (2014), Jenny Slate knows she’s gonna get an abortion, but keeps both the pregnancy and her decision a secret while she starts a relationship with the man who knocked her up. The day before the procedure, he finds out, and shows up the next day to accompany her to her appointment. Afterward, they watch a movie on the couch and he takes care of her. This is in keeping with his character (the moment he warms up her BUTTER? I MELT! Pun intended) and the setting: Obama-era Brooklyn. Abortions aren’t exactly hard to come by, so they both put in a little effort and all’s well. It’s a really good movie, you should watch it. I was interning at A24 when it came out and I kept hinting that they should campaign for Slate to get a Golden Globe nomination but they kinda bungled the marketing, it should have been bigger. I’m on a rant again!
Fast Times and Obvious Child ain’t enough though. We need more and better depictions of men facilitating abortions for pregnancies that they caused. Maybe even from their point of view. Not because we need to center their feelings on the subject (gimme un poquito break), but because this should matter to them. They should care about it. We need them in the fight for reproductive rights; they should be concerned.
And it’s not like I’m asking for allyship for allyship’s sake here. A lot of men already do this. They already care, and they already help their girlfriends out. Hollywood just needs to catch up.
So like if anyone knows anyone in The Biz, I guess, share this post with them?
Things I’ve gotten free from Brands this week:
Paper plates and cups and napkins from a party supply company
There’s no I in uterus, but there are two in Lizzie!
Lizzie