things i would do if i won an oscar

just some thoughts

I don’t care about the Oscars. Last night’s (I’m writing this on Monday) antics were fun, I had a good time watching, Ke Huy Quan 5ever, I do like movies and celebs, but the Oscars in general? I officially tapped out in 2018, when The Florida Project only got one nom (for Willem Dafoe; deserved but not enough). I loved The Florida Project, a movie I have seen once because it so brutally and beautifully exposed me to a side of poverty I just didn’t understand before. The performances were heart-breaking. The story uniquely American and yet universal. Sean Baker, who made the equally human and affecting (and funny!) Tangerine on a fucking iphone is all the things we thought Destin Daniel Cretton might have been. All I wanted that year was for more people to see The Florida Project, for awards to do the only thing they’re good for — point out and reward excellence in a crowded, subjective field — but the Academy dismissed it. The team I was rooting for didn’t make the playoffs, so I had no real investment in the outcome, and haven’t since. (The Shape of Water took home the top prize that year. Three Billboards was also a big winner, and Gary Oldman — a domestic abuser, albeit a very talented one — won as well, for a mediocre movie about, you’re never gonna believe this, World War 2. The Oscars love World War 2.)

The Oscars are mostly valuable because they give a chance for Movie People to talk like Sports People, making bets and watching a competition live. They don’t actually decide an artist or a movie’s legacy. If anything, winning an Oscar can only hurt how a film is remembered. Shakespeare In Love is pretty great, but will forever be known as But Not As Good As Saving Private Ryan. Stanley Kubrick died with one Oscar win to his name, and it was for Visual Effects. I think his place in cinema history is cemented regardless.

The other big reason I don’t care about the Oscars is that they rarely honor comedies, which are my favorite kind of movies. It’s just a taste thing!

As for my own ambitions, I feel that in the best possible scenario of my life, I’ll one day be a presenter, which has all the benefits of being a winner (stage time, access to the parties, a gown) with none of the possible downsides (people saying you don’t deserve it, having to thank your boss while carrying a heavy metal object). Still, if the screenplay I’m currently thinking about working on, a comedic take on Joan of Arc tentatively titled Are You There, God? It’s Me, Joan Of Arc (NO ONE STEAL THIS IDEA I AM SERIOUS) were to be up for something…yeah, I guess I’d go. It would be rude, actually, not to. And I suppose I’ve given a bit of thought to how that would all play out…

Pre-nomination campaigning

On talk shows and in magazines, I am humble but passionate, always directing the conversation back to “our” movie, because it’s not just about me. I play the woman card, but as a strength, not like I’m some underdog. And I remember to play the long game. Even if I don’t get it this year, I can always try again. In the meantime, I don’t flush my reputation. We all remember when Anne Hathaway nearly tanked her public image by being too thirsty and self-serious while promoting Les Mis. Yes, much of the backlash was a product of misogyny amid the rise of Jennifer Lawrence (Not JLaw’s fault; America has room to like one and only one woman at a time), but still, Annie should have known better. At least it all worked out for the best! She got the trophy she wanted, learned the right lessons and is back on top. Clearly, Emily Blunt sat her down for a talk about being charming, so Emily is who I will emulate.

Reacting to my nomination

Videos of someone crying when they get the news are only cute if the person is very young and just started their career or kind of old and has been working toward this their whole career. As I am neither, I won’t do this. Hopefully my friends and family will text me funny congratulations so I can put a roundup of screenshots on Instagram, but barring that, a picture of me as a kid with an excited caption will do. Again, I share the spotlight, tagging all my most important collaborators. This is our honor.

The week before

I go to a spa. There is no amount of feminism in the world that can talk me out of being obsessed with my appearance in this moment. I’m drinking smoothies at the spa.

On the red carpet

Unlike actors, who are often locked into contracts with fashion houses for the entirety of awards season, writers like myself can wear what we want. But we don’t have access to the best stuff, which has all been called in by the stylists of actors. Solution: tailored vintage, which is also the most sustainable option. While black is stylish in person and can work in professional photoshoots, it actually falls flat in photographs from events. If you’ve ever been unable to capture the cuteness of a black cat, you get the issue. So I’m thinking gray or beige. Leave the colors of the rainbow to the starlets, I’m a sophisticated member of the behind-the-scenes A-list. Obviously, boobs pushed up to the high heavens and big sexy hair. A pin or ribbon promoting a cause? Only if the timing is right, I don’t wanna do too much.

My date for the evening is my mom. You could be the biggest piece of shit in the industry, but if you bring your mom as your date to literally any event, I’ll just assume you’re a good person. Also, my mom is really fun and, more importantly, honest, and will tell me if I’m talking too fast or have lipstick on my teeth.

Acceptance speech

Sincere but funny. Some ideas I’ve been kicking around:

• “Ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of winning…the MTV movie award for Best Kiss. This is nice, too!”

• “Leo, find me later.”

• “To everyone who worked on the movie, I share this with all of you, but I am gonna keep it at my house.”

You CAN steal one of these lines but only if you TELL ME FIRST.

I don’t mention my fellow nominees because honestly there are a ton of writers who inspire me and shouting out the four who happen to be in the room and just found out they didn’t win an Oscar seems arbitrary and kind of condescending? I also do not go over the time limit. I practice and, if need be, cut myself short. I never understand when people go over the time limit and then get huffy about it. You had plenty of time to practice and you get as much time as everybody else, you are not special and this isn’t a one-person show!

Post-win glory

I upload pictures from the after-party with a sweet and simple caption about having fun and being grateful. I don’t milk the moment, but I don’t pretend I’m not happy. I let my mom keep the statuette. I am honestly not responsible enough to have too many valuables in my home, and she grew me in her body, so this feels fair. I gain confidence but not ego. I do something really different for my next project so there isn’t so much pressure to recreate the magic of whatever I won for, and fewer comparisons. But I continue working with the people who helped me, I don’t leave them behind like an asshole. I give my dress to my daughter to wear to prom. I choose an attractive but professional photo of myself and keep it on file with my lawyer’s office for my eventual appearance in the In Memoriam slideshow.

But like I said, I don’t really care.

Drop your own plan in the comments.

Thank you to my team!

Lizzie