the banal amusement of a PR email
man, i just want free stuff
I get a lot of PR emails. Most of them boring, many of them stupid. My career is such that publicists are often pitching me “experts” I can talk to (Julia Fox said WHAT about her vagina? This OB-GYN will give you a quote!) or photos of celebrities wearing clothes (Hilary Duff’s favorite jeans are cult-obsessed always sold out SPOTTED wearing them and they are finally back in stock) or things no one needs (fuzzy fanny packs and other bullshit attempts to separate Gen Z from their cash).
Often, these emails are addressed to “Logan,” because if you are sending a thousand emails a day, you don’t realize that this is my last name. Which is fine, I actually love “Logan” as a nickname, feels very clubby, but anyway. It’s an impersonal interaction, so I don’t feel bad about not responding, even when they follow-up.
In fact, usually I delete without reading. But occasionally something will pop up so ridiculous it’s unintentionally funny. Like Tinky Winky making his NYFW debut…
Or this study on what shows dogs like to sleep through:
But what caught my eye most recently is an email with the subject line “Recipe for the perfect film = a 2 hour Robert De Niro drama.” Intriguing!
This is one of those spoon-fed article emails where they basically want you to just publish a press release; they provide a little content and in exchange, you throw some traffic at their site. And you know what? They got me. I’m just gonna reprint the whole email here because I think it’s so goofy.
Hi Logan,
The perfect length of a film has long been up for debate, but brand new research from tombola has discovered the ultimate film length, as well as exactly what needs to go into the film to make it perfect. tombola analysed 250 top-rated films on IMDB to uncover what makes the perfect film, and used Chat GPT to write it!
The creation of the perfect film: it must be a drama, and be 2 hours, 9 minutes long
To discover the perfect film, tombola analysed IMDB’s top 250 movies (as rated by viewers) to discover what qualities would make the most successful film to date, such as their genre and actors in the movie. These are the ingredients you need for the perfect film:
A run-time of 129 minutes
Main genre is a drama
Action and crime as secondary genres
Robert De Niro as the male protagonist
Jennifer Connelly as the female protagonist
Leonardo Di Caprio must be in the supporting role
THIS is the perfect film according to AI
After tombola found the recipe to a top-rated film, Chat GPT didn’t disappoint, coming up with a film synopsis that would have any film fanatic running to the cinema to see it.
tombola inputted the following prompt into Chat GPT: ’create a film synopsis and film name for a new drama film concept starring Robert De Niro and Jennifer Connelly, with Leonardo Di Caprio as a supporting role’.
Chat GPT said, “The film is called “Broken Promises” and it stars Robert De Niro, Jennifer Connelly, and Leonardo DiCaprio. The film is a drama about a retired police detective named Frank (played by De Niro) who is struggling with his failing marriage to his wife Ellen (played by Connelly). When a young man named Jack (played by DiCaprio) comes to Frank seeking help in finding his missing sister, Frank sees a chance to redeem himself and regain a sense of purpose.
“As Frank and Jack delve deeper into the investigation, they uncover a web of corruption and deceit that threatens to destroy everything Frank holds dear.
“Broken Promises is a powerful and emotional drama about redemption, family, and the search for justice.”
Scorcese AND Spielberg AND Nolan!! And has the perfect length of a film been long up for a debate? And that poster!!
AI discourse has been everywhere for the past month. I’ve been assiduously avoiding it. I just don’t care! This email did not change that opinion.
Now, the email states that if I want to use any of their data, I should credit and link to “https://www.tombola.co.uk/pages/revealed-the-formula-to-the-ultimate-film,” but there is a catch, which is that the page doesn’t seem to work in the US, and tombola is…a bingo site?
So…not sure what I can do for ya, tombola!
The other reason I sometimes open my PR emails is to try and get free stuff. The brands want me to write about their stuff, and I always imply that I might but I never promise that I will. Here’s what I’ve been able to get in the past year or so:
Balsamic vinegars
Chickpea snacks
Collagen soda (disgusting)
Two cakes
A “sunset lamp”
An Amazon TV Firestick
A bunch of popcorns
A not very good projector
A Venus et Fleur arrangement and “room spray”
Living Proof hairstyling products
“Protein” popped chips
Two cases of Nixie flavored sparkling waters
Supposedly some items from Intimissimi are on their way…
Should I add a little note at the end of every post detailing what I’ve gotten that week, if anything? Is that amusing? Honestly, I’ve been watching Selena Gomez gossip videos on YouTube and working on my pilot all week, I don’t have much else for ya!
Hopefully this email was less boring than PR drivel,
Lizzie
A quest for the weirdest PR swag sounds like a hoot to me.