Of Course I Brought My Dog To This Indoor Café For Humans
(this is a humor piece)
“The athleisure and the dogs are taking over, and that’s really unfortunate. Everybody’s in Lululemon and has a fucking dog and it’s driving me crazy. I’m sorry, dog lovers. There are too many of you.”
Of Course I Brought My Dog To This Indoor Café For Humans
Don’t mind the sniffing, that’s my little guy Buster. Buster, say hi! He’s really friendly, you can give him a belly rub if you want. Or you could continue having a conversation over lunch that you paid for during your limited free time, here at an indoor café for humans.
Yes, I saw the “service animals only” sign. Buster isn’t an animal; he’s my handsome fella.
What else am I supposed to do, leave him at home? Where he lives? And has a crate and toys and all the smells are familiar? He’s much happier here in this crowded, noisy café full of chaotic sounds and potentially dangerous strangers.
Most people love Buster’s brown eyes and floppy ears and enormous glob of drool. Some kids get so excited, they hide shaking behind their parents, or burst into sneezing fits.
It’s not like he’s bothering anyone. He doesn’t bite. He’s just licking his balls in the middle of a room full of people who are trying to eat.
And he’s better behaved than most humans. Buster doesn’t text at the movies. Buster doesn’t cut people off in traffic. God, I can’t stand those people who are so oblivious about how their behavior affects other– BUSTER, NOSE OUT OF THAT LADY’S CROTCH. NOW.
Yeah, he used to be on leash, but once he got all tangled up in someone’s wheelchair, so now I use voice commands, which work perfectly, much of the time. You have to consider the disabled.
My silly boy would never run away, because we’re really attached to each other. I adopted – rescued – Buster during the pandemic and he’s come to bear the vast majority of my emotional load. My therapist calls this codependence, but she doesn’t get it. She has a bird.
You can bring dogs pretty much everywhere in Europe, and I choose to abide by that norm. And also the one about not tipping. No others.
BUSTER! NO BARKING! Excuse me, Buster hates music– can you turn it down in here?
Okay, well, chill, Mister Barista, you’re wearing a hoodie. This is a modestly priced, casual establishment where food is prepared and served, specifically designed for the neighborhood’s humans, not The Met Gala. Don’t be so uptight.
Oh.
I get it.
You hate dogs.
That’s the only explanation.
There are two kinds of people in the world: people who casually ignore health codes, employee safety and basic decorum…and fascists.
BUSTER!!!!!!! DROP THE AVOCADO TOAST!!!! YOUR KIDNEYS!!!!
Fine. We’ll leave. But you should know there’s a woman over there who is quietly breastfeeding her infant. So inappropriate.