All I Wanna Talk About Is The Vampire Diaries

teen tv good?

TV OPINIONS TIME AGAIN!!!

I was late to the vampire game.

Twilight hit shelves when I was in middle school, arguably the book’s target demographic, and so by high school I had, through cultural osmosis, absorbed much of its topography. Thanks to Facebook Bumper Stickers (remember those?) I knew it took place in Forks, Washington, that the lion fell in love with the lamb, and the three things Bella was absolutely positive about. It was enough information that I could include Twilight references in my first attempts at topical comedy without ever having to crack open the book or watch the movie. The trailer looked silly, and I once read a page and the writing was remedial at best; as Leslie Knope said during the Time Capsule episode, I was more of a Harry Potter gal.

I gave it a half-hearted go during my mid-college gap year. A friend and I were both in the position of having never read or watched a Twilight, but thinking the trailer for the final movie (Breaking Dawn, Part 2) looked…kinda fun? We decided to see it in theaters, and to prep, we binged the preceding four films (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1). I was mystified. This was the series that captivated a generation? These were the characters inspiring massive amounts of fan art and tattoos? I’d seen Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy as a ten-year-old. My standards for fantasy were just a tad higher than “this is the skin of a killer, Bella.”

But over the past few years, as Twi-mania shifted from sincere fandom to ironic, nostalgic meme-fodder, it became easier to participate in. I didn’t have to yuck my friends’ yum by saying some of it was really stupid (which much of it absolutely is), and amid cookie cutter franchises, I started to appreciate just how weird the saga is. The first one is blue.

I also realized something crucial about my own taste: I have no time for bad books, but I love bad movies. And half-bad movies. And mediocre movies. As I wrote about in my newsletter on background noise, I’m not really into Films. I like shlock, the dumber the better. (I recently watched Twister for the first time. Perfect cinema!) I think it’s because reading requires work and imagination, while movie-watching is a mostly passive experience. And so much more communal! You can watch with friends, or text during. So while the Stephanie Meyer books still hold zero interest for me, I can honestly say I fuck with Twilight, the movie series, hard. (Same with noted Twilight-descendant Fifty Shades of Grey, a trilogy I have watched in full multiple times).

Also, in 2016 I binged the entirety of Buffy The Vampire Slayer over the course of like twelve weeks and when I finished the final episode I couldn’t eat or sleep for three days because I was so upset.

All of this is just context for me telling you that for the past month I have been watching The Vampire Diaries, which I missed entirely during its run from midway through my high school years to a couple years after I graduated college. It’s a teen drama based on a book series that predates Twilight and, riding the Vampire wave of the early 2000s, got big numbers for The CW, eventually spawning two decently-successful spin-offs. As you probably guessed from the title, most of the characters are vampires.

I won’t bore you with how and why I started watching or what the series is about. Imagine if Spike and Angel were competing over Bella. As for why the vampire genre seems to have an everlasting appeal, there are entire academic texts devoted to the subject. What I’m here to tell you is that The Vampire Diaries is so much better than it has any right to be.

It’s like…good! Quite good. Mysteriously good. Not even in a “teen shows are good, actually” way. I’d say the lore is more coherent than Once Upon A Time, a show that, whatever its reputation, ran in prime time on a Big 3 network, and the interpersonal conflict might not be up to the level of heartland ensemble drama Friday Night Lights…but it’s maybe as solid as Parenthood or Brothers and Sisters. It’s far superior to its closest current relative, Riverdale, and though the original Gossip Girl will always have a special place in my heart, the quality drop-off as the characters go from high school to college has been, so far, much less severe on TVD (I am only on season five so if it all goes to hell later…this essay was just a big funny joke!).

After much consideration, I have identified the special sauce, pinpointed the super power, figured out the secret to TVD’s ability to entertain me as a kinda-snobby adult: the characters aren’t absolute fucking idiots.

You’d be surprised at how often this is the case. Or maybe you wouldn’t, I don’t know your life.

The most obvious point of comparison is Pretty Little Liars, another CW suburban hit. Though canonically intelligent, the Liars are absolutely hell-bent on putting themselves in harm’s way. Maybe don’t go into the woods alone! Or date your teacher! Just a thought.

On Gossip Girl, and even more so in the ill-fated reboot, characters are constantly self-sabotaging or launching intricate revenge plans without thinking of the consequences. When confronted with the slightest problem, their immediate response is never “ask my powerful parent for help” and always “make it into a huge issue that I alone can solve while lying to all my loved ones, inevitably leading to miscommunications.” Same with The O.C. and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and 13 Reasons Why and even, though I love the show, sometimes, Veronica Mars.

On The Vampire Diaries, however, the characters…rationally consider their options. They call in backup for their schemes and consider possible repercussions. They communicate about their feelings. They even, occasionally, put others’ needs before their own. They’re emotionally mature instead of spiteful and histrionic (looking at you, Glee). They grieve their losses, talk through their problems, check in with each other about their relationships and are incredibly patient (the immortality probably helps with that). They try to let go. They respect boundaries.

Are the zany nincompoops of Derry Girls a more accurate depiction of teens? Sure. But that show’s a comedy that ran for three seasons. For a life-and-death-filled drama to last eight 23-episode-long years, as TVD did, you need characters that are just a little bit easier to root for, whose arcs feel earned. The Vampire Diaries delivers. I won’t even get into the psychos on Degrassi.

The difference, as a viewer, isn’t striking but cumulative. I don’t watch thinking, “my, how mature!” But when an emotional beat pays off or I see a bad guy genuinely, thoroughly redeem himself into a good guy, it satisfies that part of my brain that craves rich storytelling. I genuinely root for certain friendships and relationships. So far I haven’t found a “standout episode,” but after hours and hours of viewing, I’m not sick of these people/witches/vampires/werewolves/ghosts/doppelgängers/hybrids because they’re fully fleshed out, and I understand what makes them tick. They deserve the good they get and I feel for them during challenges, because they’re earned my empathy, because they aren’t dodo heads.

(Also, just because I don’t know where else to put this, TVD did violin covers of pop songs long before Bridgerton!)

A friend said the reason the character arcs work so well on TVD (as for the plot arcs…it’s about vampires, who cares) is because the book series it’s based on is well-structured, which I believe, but that can’t be the whole story, especially since halfway through, the author was fired and replaced by a ghostwriter (it’s a whole thing! Read about it here). In the case of the show, I think a lot of credit should go to co-creators Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec, who clearly put a lot of thought and care into the series. The pair are also responsible for much of the Scream franchise, and Williamson wrote I Know What You Did Last Summer and Dawson’s Creek. They’re actually invested and experienced in teen group dynamics tinged with horror, instead of doing “a soap, but in high school” like many other shows. To wit: the characters have a lot of sex and no one mentions virginity because sex is part of life rather than a life-altering dramatic crisis. Shocking, I know!

The pace of the show is also, if I may use this term to describe the pacing of a teen drama about vampires, exquisite. Aren’t you so sick of season-long mysteries being stretched out over hours and hours? Waiting years for two characters to get together just so they can share one kiss and then sublimate their primal urges because this is Respectful, Serious, Prestige Viewing? Having to keep track of a thousand clues that don’t even add up? The Vampire Diaries gives you what you want when you want it, balancing season-long emotional plot lines with episodic adventures. They find the magical gem in a day, but it takes a year to fall in love. If someone gets sick in act one, they’re dead by act four, but mourned and mentioned through the end of the season. People figure out they’re being lied to fairly quickly, which reinforces the idea that these people are actually smart. Like, I love you, Succession, but it takes everyone a thousand years to realize they’re being strung along and finally make a move. The Vampire Diaries crew has a real take-responsibility-for-your-destiny attitude that I think would benefit Shiv, especially.

Which is why I feel not at all embarrassed by the fact that if you’ve run into me in the past 30ish days, I’ve probably tried to talk to you about Caroline as Mystic Falls’ moral center or how the writers must just like writing Katherine. Because it’s art. Who knew?

Speaking of genre-tinged series, I’m also madly bingeing Sabrina, The Teenage Witch before it leaves Hulu at the end of the month, and am similarly struck by how Not A Complete Dolt Sabrina is. When her boyfriend Harvey’s dad suggests that he is too young to commit to just one girl, the couple decide, rationally, to try dating other people, before deciding, again without much hysteria, to get back together. And it’s another show that cleverly handled the transition from high school to college. Take that, Yellowjackets! Or whatever! I haven’t seen it!

If you’ve made it this far, congrats, and thank you.

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Things I got for free from Brands this week:

• A kit from Blake Lively’s beverage line, including a bunch of bottles of Betty Buzz tonics, a bottle of George Clooney’s tequila and a bottle of Aperol

• A Mermade Heatless Curls kit

• A Barbie X Forever 21 collab sweatsuit and top

• Some flavored cashew packets

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Immortally,

Lizzie